Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
