I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
