When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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