Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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