and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize