i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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