My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My life is pants optional.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
