Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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