You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
