you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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