If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
