At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
