Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
