My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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