when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
