i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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