I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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