now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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