I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
