when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize