Don't you send me to vm
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
