like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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