I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
