I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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