so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
