i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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