Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize