Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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