she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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