my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
