We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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