Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
