At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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