Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
dude i'm inner monologue high
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
