OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
