Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
