Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize