Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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