Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
