i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The adults are the big ones right?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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