I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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