if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
