Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
