I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
