sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
