What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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