I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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