he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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