saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
