He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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