God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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