Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
