I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize