last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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