she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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