yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
