I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
