She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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