You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize