I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
