if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
