So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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