I should be sponsored by Trojan
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I want to be your penis for a week.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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